Sunday, 27 March 2016

Games workshop employs an erotic fiction writer?

Someone writing product descriptions for Games Workshop seems to have graduated from the Mills and Boon school of erotic fiction writing. (thanks to Rob for sharing this)

Bellowing forth a mighty, blood-curdling roar, the Exalted Deathbringer pierces his enemy with his enormous spear, lifting him high with a single, muscular heave. The weight of the unfortunate victim drives them further down onto the polearm, each agonised, twisting convulsion pushing the blade ever deeper. Soon (but not soon enough), they will perish, adding yet another grisly trophy to the Exalted Deathbringer’s ever-expanding collection

Seriously, who writes this?

Looming over his Bloodbound brethren,
his face locked into a permanent rictus of raging hatred, the Slaughterpriest is literally swollen with the force of Chaos. Demagogues capable of boiling enemies alive with a roared prayer, their booming chants fill everything around them with mindless rage, causing them to disregard any concept of self-preservation and fling themselves into battle with mindless fury. Slaughterpriests are notorious for gaining their hideous power by drinking the blood of the fallen foe; this grisly tribute to Khorne causes their limbs to stretch and bones to harden, turning them into brutes rightly feared across the realms.

These aren't the only ones, in general, GW's new product descriptions are written in such an over-the-top writing style that the closest comparison is erotic fiction.

I find it comedic just how bombastic and excessive all the product descriptions are these days, even ones without direct comparisons to erotic fiction. Lets take an innocuous sounding one, one that is not, by any means an extreme example. 

The Flesh Hounds of Khorne are savage beasts that relentlessly hunt down the enemies of the Blood God. Their razor-sharp teeth can shred armour and flesh alike and their claws are staunched in the remains of their terrified opponents. In battle, Flesh Hounds are unleashed against the enemy prior to the main attack, their bone-chilling howls heralding the doom of those stood against them.

Their claws are staunched in the remains of their terrified opponents? What does that even mean?

Bone-chilling howls heralding doom? 

I find all this just laughably embarrassing and it's really putting me off the product. I can only assume that the target demographic for GW (Teens) really like it when the model they are buying is described this way. Because as an adult, it makes me laugh and cringe in equal measures.  


1 comment:

  1. Games Workshop, where everything is super-fun-awesome, "My amp goes to 11 man!", even when it's not.

    "Fleetmasters command the mighty Black Arks that make up the marauding Dark Elf naval fleets. They are swordsmen of exceptional prowess who prefer nothing more than challenging rival heroes to personal combat"

    Case in point. Dark Elf Fleetmasters were so comprehensively awful in 8th Edition that they were just never seen in game. A complete and utter waste of time, effort and points (with one of the worst models GW has made in years, but that's another story). Yet they were 'swordsmen of exceptional prowess', despite being worse than many characters (and some champions) who were a fraction of the cost, and many with superior mobility and rules.

    Still, it must be fun working at GW. The Stapler of Awesome Gore is used to attach the Pages of Forbidden Majesty (last weeks sales figures) to the Tome of Ultimate Anguish (the sales meeting agenda), and everything is written in The Screams of Bloodied Damnation (Arial, size 11).


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